When we lose someone we love and care about, our loss can feel confusing and impossible. As a bereavement counsellor, and through personal experience, I have learnt that there are things we can do to help. 

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss. Everyone’s reaction is different, and people need different things following their loss. There is no timescale, pattern, rules, right or wrong in grief. Research (National Bereavement Alliance) shows that 40% of people who have been bereaved need support from sources other than friends and family.

Following a bereavement, you can feel pressure from others, or yourself, to feel better and return to ‘normal’ in a short time. However, grieving can take time. People I have worked with have come for support weeks, months and even years after their bereavement. 

Grief is often described as something that fades with time, but Tonkin’s Model of Grief (1996) offers a gentler truth: that the grief itself does not shrink or disappear. It stays constant while our lives grow around it, so we learn to move forward with our loss.

Many people find this model reassuring because it acknowledges that we do not have to 'get over' the people we have lost; instead, we learn how to carry our grief while continuing to live and grow.

Routine may feel pointless, but it is important. Focus on the basics: how you are sleeping, eating, getting outside to exercise, and generally looking after yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just consistent. It is OK if, on some days, the routine goes out the window. Remember, you’ve lost someone very important to you, so be kind to yourself.

Each loss brings its own difficulties. At first, we may be in a state of distress, disbelief, shock or numbness. When reality starts to set in, we can feel many difficult feelings such as anxiety, pain, sadness, anger, denial, and guilt. Some losses can feel especially difficult because of the circumstances surrounding the death, because of who the person was to you, the stage of life they were in and how they passed.

Difficult feelings are a normal response to loss, yet can be hard to manage. Recognising and naming the feelings you have can help to organise them into smaller pieces. Trying to ignore feelings often makes them pop up more.

We might feel like we are moving towards a new normal, yet the next minute be in pieces. This wave-like unpredictability can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Allow yourself time for difficult feelings, as well as to make a different life without your loved one's physical presence. 

The shock of your loss can impact the body, mind, and heart. Physical exhaustion, sleep disturbance, worsening medical issues and problems with eating or drinking are common following loss. Mentally, we may lose focus, become forgetful, or withdraw. Thoughts can feel like they are racing out of control. 

We can slow things down to regain control. Some people do this by connecting with nature or exercising. Others prefer breathing exercises, guided meditations, and deep muscle relaxation. Find your own way of slowing down by trying different things.

You know yourself better than anyone else, so try to listen to what feels manageable. In the early days of grief, even simple things can feel overwhelming. You may avoid people and places, or you may prefer to stay busy and be around others. Both responses are normal.

People may invite you to events or get-togethers because they care. Some days you'll want to go, and other days you may not. It is alright to say yes, no, or 'not today'. 

Grief is changeable, so be gentle with yourself and allow your needs to guide you. Small steps, rest, and healthy boundaries are all part of caring for yourself through loss.

You might feel your loved one’s presence by hearing, seeing, smelling, or sensing them even after they have gone. This is the brain adjusting to them not being here, and are a normal part of adapting to the loss of someone important.

People often think they need to 'move on' or 'accept' their loss. However, it is healthier to find new ways to continue your bond in your own way. Talking or writing to your loved one can help to connect with them. You probably know what their response would be. Cultural, religious, and personal rituals can also help. You will find a way that works for you. 

It takes far more time for our minds to adjust to the physical absence of a loved one than we want or expect it to. Your grief will change, and you won’t always feel like this. Be patient and kind to yourself. Imagine if it were someone you loved who was going through what you are. What might you say to them? 

Know that moments of lightness are not betrayal. Laughing, feeling joy, or finding peace does not mean you have forgotten. Your love is still there, and your life is growing. Grief is not something to finish or fix. Your life will keep expanding, slowly and quietly.

You don’t have to share everything; however, telling someone you trust how you feel can ease your sense of isolation. Writing down your feelings can also help if you don’t want to talk. People often want to help but aren’t sure how. If there is something they could do, like cut the grass or get some shopping, it can be worth taking up the offer.

Grief can affect every part of life: physical health, mental well-being, relationships and work. Grief is not something that needs to be 'fixed' or 'finished,' and you do not have to carry it alone. If you feel stuck in your grief, isolated, overwhelmed, emotionally numb, or unable to see a way forward, it could be a sign that you need some support.

Talking to a therapist, counsellor, bereavement support worker, or support group can help you make sense of your feelings, feel understood, and find ways to cope. Support can help you feel less alone, while still keeping the love and memories of the person you have lost close to you.

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